I recently asked another question, and some of the answerer’s were very offended, to the point of saying if they were asked to sign one they would not marry them (if the asker wasn’t a celebrity or millionaire). Others offended to a lessor degree saying prenups are just a bad idea.
Why is it so offensive to say "we’ll both leave with what we came in with" and divide up the things we bought together should something terrible ever happen?
Now, I’ll assure you I am far from from being "rich" or a celebrity, but what does that have to do with anything? The things I do have I feel lucky to have, and have WORKED HARD for!!
Ok, so maybe a prenup is a bad thing, I don’t feel the best about doing it. But I’m not living in fantasy land either, getting a prenup made up may be the most important financial thing I ever do in my life (more important than what grades I got, what school, what major, what promotion, what salary, etc). We aren’t married and as I’ve said, I am committed already to them for life and that means the person they are now and the person they become as life deals the deck.
If we all admit that when you marry a person you CAN’T possibly know how that person will change over the years, then why is it so offensive to some people to say out front heres how we would deal with things IF the worst were to happen? Asking what IF isn’t saying this is gonna happen, or that you want it to happen. Hopefully it never does, and if thats the case you stay married forever, then the prenup meant nothing.
A lot of people do divorce though (between 1/3 and 1/2 depending on statistics), and saying "oh that cant happen to me" isn’t realistic. We cannot control our partners actions, and therefore we cannot control the relationship. We can only control ourselves.
I know in my relationship, we’ve had times where my sig other was ready to walk out and almost did. I didn’t forget that. I’ve forgiven, but won’t forget. All you have to do is read the yahoo answers marriage board and you get a pretty good feeling that married people are not perfect just like the rest of us. If anything, life only becomes more stifling and harder for most once marriage is a reality. I don’t personally see it that way (that I’m somehow held back by being in an eternal relationship), but many do apparently.
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BEING SUPPORTED FOR LIFE by an ex? I don’t get it, would the tables be turned I’m sure they would see the unfairness. If two people separate why on earth would one person be legally obligated to continue to support the other afterward? It’s not like these are ancient times – anyone can get a degree, adults later in life, men, women – and anyone can learn to support themself (IF THEY WANT).
To me the issue is that some people have more drive than others, and if you happen to be on the receiving end of being married to someone with significantly higher assets and lifestyle then it makes sense to me that you should enjoy that while together but be alright with going back to how you were before being married should you get divorced.
If your partner won’t sign a prenup, it seems like that would be the very kind of person who is looking to manipulate your hard work ethic and drive, only to leave you high & dry in the long run. By not signing they are basically admitting that is their intention and you’ve called their bluff.
]I realize getting a prenup made up isn’t at all romantic or even fun (to think about "what if my life is ruined’) but it seems that two mature adults able to plan about their future and that of growing children should also be able to plan for themselves with an attitude of "neither one of us wants this to happen, but if it does – heres how we deal with it".
Does anyone who is offended by the thought of a prenup think it will be any easier to suss out those details once one of you has filed for a divorce? Will you cut each other more slack then or at the outset?
Some really good answers here guys.
I realize I said a lot, but this is a complex issue!
A prenup does not mean I intend for the relationship to end in divorce. But it does acknowledge that none of us can control our partners actions, and therefore we cannot control the relationship. We can only control ourselves.
Let me zoom in on one idea that seems to popping up – that getting a prenup is basically "i don’t think it’s going to work, but we’ll give it a shot".
Please realize for the person who is on the receiving end of having a prenup given to them, if you have this attitude then YOU are the one inserting the negative first part "I don’t think this is gonna work" is not anywhere the same as "If this doesn’t work".
How I feel is " I want with every ounce of my being for our marriage to work, I’ll do my part to accept and love you and in the best way I know how, but if we both try and at some point separation becomes inevitable then this is what we can both expect.
And for those who say a prenup is allowing for the possibility that we may not be together forever. Come on, thats complete malarkey. That possibility is always there with or without a prenup. Getting one simply makes each partner acknowledge that indeed is a possibility and that marriage is hard work.
To me the issue is that some people have more drive than others, and if you happen to be on the receiving end of being married to someone with the ability and willpower/ drive to earn more, then good for you. But hopefully you married the person – not their lifestyle. If those two people separate why on earth would one person be legally obligated to continue to support the other afterward?
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BEING SUPPORTED FOR LIFE by an ex? I don’t get it, would the tables be turned I’m sure they would see the unfairness.
BTW, Rebekah, easiest thing in the world for you to say you don’t believe in them. Your the one who has the greatest to gain by not believing in them. If you really believed in a couple staying together "till death do us part" then why would you support something that actually gives one partner a reason to get a divorce?
Easy to say you don’t believe in prenups and then take advantage the situation later when its convenient. To my understanding, nobody should benefit from a divorce…because nobody does – certainly not the kids or extended family (unless abusive).
Angela,
I would never "quit" a marriage. If the relationship ended it wouldn’t be by me being unfaithful, but the point is – I cannot control my partners actions…and yes they will change as will I. I am ready to accept that. But I can only speak for myself.
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BEING SUPPORTED FOR LIFE by an ex?"
Because MOST of the time it’s stay at home moms who GAVE UP THEIR CAREERS to support their husband’s dreams and to have their children. Women and men, don’t get paid for the YEARS of labor they endured and no longer have a career to speak of… so they have NOTHING to fall back on.
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I am sorry, but I don’t buy this. Using terms like "endured", and "gave up" makes it sound like you never wanted children and were forced into it. If thats the case its your own fault, and I hope thats not true for the kids sake.
Why is being a mom now considered a lessor job? Why isn’t being a mom enough anymore? Thats another issue, but you are free to do what you want with your life. Thats one of the subdued things I see here is people blaming their spouses for their own indecision/ bad decisions and then trying to make up for it in divorce. It’s your life and your choice!
Whether in a marriage or not…if its a healthy marriage and you want to work then you should. If you stayed to raise the kids instead of using your doctorate, then yes you should be compensated and that should be talked about with your husband and agreed to no doubt. But if you left your crappy job that you didn’t like to stay home because its what you wanted to do, then that was your choice too! When you say stuff like that, you make all the wonderful stay at home moms look bad, and the moms who are doctors – if they can do it you can.
Again, if both partners work experience and earning potential is similar and both want to work but they agree one of them will stay home, then of course that partner should be compensated. But in most other situations, I don’t see how SOME PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BEING SUPPORTED FOR LIFE by an ex.
