Should I ask for trial separation or stick it out some more?
I have been married for 9 yrs and we have two very small children (both under the age of 3). For years we have been drifting apart for several reasons (my husband has OCD which caused years of stress, anxiety and hurt feelings, he was controlling, verbally abusive, I closed myself off to him, didn’t communicate, etc). Things came to a boiling point last year and I asked for a separation. My husband begged me to stay, we started marriage counseling, and with help of medication his temperament and mood have improved some. Things of course are not 100% great but there is less stress in the house than before and he has been trying.
Now the problem is me. I can’t seem to get myself back to the place where I feel close to him like a spouse should. I love him as a friend and as the father of my children but I am not in love with him. I like spending time together with him and the kids as family time but I don’t enjoy his company one on one anymore. I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t want to touch him or be intimate. And as much as I try and force myself to do these things with him I just feel empty doing them.
I have told him all this, which hurts him. He doesn’t just want me to be his friend, he wants his spouse back. I don’t blame him. I want my spouse back too. I want to feel those feelings towards him again but I just cant.
Now our house is finally sold and I am at a crossroads at what to do. Should I continue on with him and buy a new house, or should I take this opportunity not having a mortgage and ask for a trial separation? I know living apart will be hard because of the kids but I feel like getting away from him is the only way I will be able to think clearly about all this. I feel that time apart will either make me see how wonderful he really is and how I do love him, or will just confirm my fear that we are better apart.
Should I stay or should I go?
We have been in marriage counseling for over a year now, going every week or every other week.
Tagged with: boiling point • crossroads • family time • father of my children • fear • feelings • marriage • marriage counseling • medication • mortgage • ocd • spending time • stress anxiety • temperament • trial separation
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Assuming you’ve been in counseling for a while at this point, maybe viewing the marriage from outside instead of continuing to try and repair it from within without success is the best solution. Before you propose it, I think you should bring it up in your counseling session, and figure out exactly how it would work: how much time you want to allow, how you’re going to handle the childcare, and so on. And above all, emphasize to your husband that you know he’s been trying, and you’re not doing this because you want to end the marriage; you’re doing it because you think it’s your best hope for saving it. Good luck whatever you do.
You are really the only one that can decide that - but….I think it may be time to be apart for a while. Good luck to you and your husband.
You need to go. Keep spending time together but have different addresses. Time will show you if you can rekindle the love that is lost on your part. Give it a good 12 months trial at least.
Agree that you are selfish and will want him back when you realise how hard life is as a single parent.
Good luck x
As cold-hearted as this sounds, go. Once you’ve been pushed to the point where you feel more like war buddies than spouses/lovers, it’s time to let yourself move on. Spend some time alone; clear your head. Since you have children together, he’ll always be part of your life. Think of your own well being. If you’re happier, the kids will be, too. It could be that down the road you’ll be drawn back together. It may also be that you’ll find someone that actually makes you feel like yourself again. Take a chance. Don’t stay in a rut.
you’re selfish. Plain and simple. He is doing everything he can to be with you, and it seems to me you’re not even trying. Why put him through this if you don’t really want to be with him.
I feel very sorry for your husband, because you know that his kids will be torn away from him.
Oh, and if you decide to seperate I know what will happen. You have two very young children. You will want your husband back because you can’t handle it yourself. But you will do this again, leave him again.
go….