How to deal with spouse leaving for trial separation? (serious replys please)?
Married alomost 20 years, 3 children. Says he hasn’t been happy in years - and I didn’t have a clue. He wants out. Agreed for it to be a trial period and says he will be there for the kids. Now he is looking in another town for a place to live. How can be be there for the kids in another town? How do you deal with your best friend and spouse leaving you alone? My kids are so active there are many times they are not at home - I will be so lonely and I am so scared of the change.
I have went to counseling and my spouse even agreed to go to at least one session. I love him so much - maybe Iove him too much.
It is the scariest feeling and hard to explain but I know someone ha had the same feelings.
How to deal with them, what can I do to move on during this trial, What ever advice you can give..
Tagged with: best friend • clue • counseling • feelings • google • script type • text javascript • trial period
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It hurts like crazy when something like this happens, but you just have to reach down in your inner strengths, and muster up the courage to carry on. When my wife left after 25 years of marriage and three kids, I would walk the road at night and cry like a baby. IT HURTS! I went on this way for a few months, but eventually I got stronger, and carried on with my life.You can, and will, have to do the same. I know you’re hurting….but it will get better!
Just let it go. Start focusing on yourself….that’s what he’s doing.
Tell him you agree and the trail also applies to you. Let him know that you have your own trail runs.
Go back to counseling…..but go back for you not your marriage.
If indeed your marriage is over you’re going to need help getting your life back on track.
If you find a good therapist it will be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. Just a little note….you need more than one session.
I know there is a lot of emotion around this and it makes no sense. You will have some grieving to do and you need to do it.
BUT - like the analogy of the monkey and the banana - the one where the monkey’s hand is through a small hole in a box - as long as he grips the banana, he cannot get his hand free, or have a banana. You have to let go or you are going to needlessly add to your misery. As long as you hang on and entertain thoughts of misery you will have no peace and no energy to make a new life.
You cannot control the thoughts that come into your mind. But you can control which ones you entertain and build on. This is your only hope - become ruthless in choosing not to entertain the dark scary thoughts. And don’t isolate yourself. Be with people who love you and concentrate on them.
You can’t control your husband or his actions toward the kids. The only thing you can control is yourself, and who YOU are for your kids. Keep your eye on the ball and good luck to you. My prayers are with you.
You certainly are scared, and that is okay, it will take time for you to adjust. Do not cling to hope that he might change his mind. I recommend joining a club, anything to get you out of the house. Meet w. girlfriends for movies and brunch, whatever you can do to re-establish yourself. You have been a mother and wife, but now you need to be a woman. This will not be easy and there will be lonely nights, and crying even, so have people you can call, tell your friends and family that you will need their support. And remember this is not your fault, he is the one who was not happy for whatever reason, he should have addressed it a lot sooner. Oh and the best therapy ever … go get a new haircut and color, get a manicure, buy a pretty dress and shoes and go out … you deserve to be worshipped and if he does not do that … his loss!
I was in the position you are in. It happened in 1983. I thought the world was going to end. So I took it one step at a time. I made friends with some single women to learn to have a life as a single. I learned to do things like play tennis, and ski. Follow your own interests. Also try things that you think "are not you". You are building a new independent you so try new things.
Wait to date until you are ready. You will get some pressure but do it on your own time. This is a good time to read books like Barbra Sher’s "I Can Do Anything, if Only I Knew What it Was"
Know that I thought that my life was over. I was not even working so finding a way to make money was nothing short of an emergency. It is hard to believe now but his leaving was the best thing that could have happened. My life is good and I am proud because I built it myself.
Feel free to e-mail me if you have questions, want support or anything else.
I don’t understand why he is choosing to live in another town. Is he looking for annonymity? Have you ever suspected there may be someone else? He has told you he hasn’t been happy in years, however, you said you were best friends as well and you didn’t see this? Honey, I know your pain but be grateful that you suffered no abuse from him, he appears to have hid his unhappiness very well. Generally, a man that is unhappy will find fault with their mate and criticize, belittle, beat up,
Go to counseling together with him since he has agreed to this but let him go as you cannot make someone love and want to be with you hon. How far away is the town he wants to move to… Share the kids and do not fight over them. you both can be there for the kids just travel back and forth to share them is all. I understand you will be lonely but there is counseling and therapy for that as well. Here comes lots of hugs your way and i am here if you need to talk. Try making some new friends to hang out with as well and take up a new hobby or something. Good luck to you.
Tell him to go, you can make this a permanent separation and he’s not doing you any favors by wanting this.
often when one has been in a marriage that long, there is fear of the unknown of ones future, financial issues, don’t count on him to be around much for the kids, if he is moving to a new town. usually he is telling u its a trial so he can get out of the house with the least amount of drama and problems as he can. the wife is always the last to know that there is probably someone else in the marriage that shouldn’t be. it happens like this and it is always bad, always pain involved, wish i could say it was easy, and the hurt would just go away but it does take time. if someone was wanting to work on the marriage, they would stay in it and fight it out, it is usually the man who stays and fights it out who is the one who loves u. keep the therapy, and don’t expect him to come home right away. just work on yourself, get your life together, be good to yourself. please don’t put alot of hope in reconciliation at this point.